That's how I feel right now - like at any moment I will lose control and simply crash and burn. Kind of like being on a rollercoaster and life is so great as you climb up high above the crowds below, then suddenly you've crested the hill and the bottom falls out of your life and all you can do is hold on for dear life.
I am very good at pretending everything is okay. It's a talent that I nurtured when I was growing up - I could be dying inside but no one would ever know. They could suspect that something is wrong but there was no way that anyone could find out for certain because I am also a very good liar. Another talent that I picked up and perfected in my younger years. It's not something that I am very proud of and has only come to the forefront again very recently.
Last week in Sunday school we were supposed to teach about how lying is bad and as teachers we were supposed to share an example of how we got caught in a lie. I have never been caught lying - I've lied a lot but not once has it ever turned out poorly for me. You can't share that with kids - you can't tell them that if you're really good at it lying can get you almost anything you want and you'll never get in trouble again.
Several years ago I promised myself that I wouldn't lie anymore - it was too easy to simply lie about everything and manipulate situations to my liking. It wasn't living it was like directing a orchestra and people were my instruments.
Something happened last week that really threw me for a loop but there is not point in causing needless distress in everyone around. Hopefully in the next couple weeks I will find out for certain if there is anything to fret about until then I go forward pretending everything is okay. Please don't ask me how things are because I don't want to have to break my promise.
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4 comments:
Thanks for your honesty Sarah. I am a terrible liar but, believe you me, I'm a master at a lot of other things I shouldn't be *sigh* I will be praying for you...remember, friends are here to help 'carry the load' ;) Love ya!
i like reading honesty rather than crap. i won't ask you one here how you are i won't. i will when we're in person and you wont' have to lie..but be raw and real. i'm praying for you.
Hey Sarah :) Still praying for you!! (ps - oooh new background!! cheezy me likey!!)
Sarah, your honesty (at least in this blog heheheheheh) is very refreshing. I'll be praying for you, that you get the rest and chance to know yourself this next year. I can see that a lot of growing is taking place... and I will stop asking you how you are.
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